How to Face Conflict—and Win Every Time ~ Matthew 18:15-20 ~ September 4, 2011

Jesus says that we are to go and point out each others’ sins.  If the sinners don’t own up to their sin, we’re supposed to get other people involved—possibly the entire church if that’s what it takes to get the sinner to listen. 

Today’s Gospel doesn’t really sound like good news.  It sounds more like a recipe for disaster for our church.  Church people have the unfortunate reputation of being all too eager point out each other’s faults.  We don’t want to come to church and have fingers pointed at us.  We’d think that Jesus want us to focus on loving one other.  All that should concern us is being a community, and relating to one another as brothers and sisters. 

But that’s just it.  We should be concerned about being a community.  This is what Jesus wants for us.  We are to become as brothers and sisters to one another.

But we know a thing or two about brothers and sisters—particularly if we grew up in a family of brothers and sisters.  Siblings don’t always get along.  They hurt each other.  They fight.  Conflict is inevitable.

Wherever there are relationships of any kind—people are going to sin against each other. 

The trouble is that when someone sins against us, we’re tempted to hurt the person like they hurt us.  Most of the time, our words will be our primary weapon.  We take the offense and use it to beat up our offender in any way we can.  We start telling people about the hurtful things they did to us.  Sometimes we confront our offender, and sometimes we don’t—but if we do, we’re all too tempted to give them the piece of our mind we can’t afford to lose.  Sometimes the weapon we use against them is our silence.  We strike back with the silent treatment.  We act as if they’re nobody to us.  And if the offense is severe enough, we take it as occasion for that relationship to end. 

If we give into these temptations, are we any different from the people who hurt us?  We’re just tearing our offender like they tore us down—as if this was going to help us feel better.  But nothing good comes out of it.  We’re still hurt—and now our offender is hurt, too.  Both persons suffer because the relationship is broken. 

In today’s Gospel, Jesus is teaching us that we cannot treat our conflicts as occasions to dispose of our relationships with those people.  God created us to be in relationships with others.  Relationships are vital to our well-being, as human beings and as Christians.  We were made to need each other.  We need each other’s help when times are tough.  We need each other’s help to keep the faith.  We need each other to live Christianly…

Since our relationships are so important for our well-being—Jesus is teaching us exactly what we are to do when (not if—when) someone sins against us.  The goal is not revenge, but reconciliation, forgiveness, and healing…

The first thing we do is go and talk to that person privately.  (Note that Jesus tells us to do this before we tell other people).  We’re not attacking the other person.  We’re simply telling the other person that they’ve hurt us.  After all, the other person may not have intended to hurt us.  The whole thing could be a misunderstanding.  Either way, we go so that each person can give their side of the story. 

If the first step fails to bring reconciliation, we are to reach out to two or three witnesses.  This isn’t about ganging up on our offender.  We reach out to others so that they can hear our side of the story—and come to their own conclusions about the offense.  The other persons may see the situation differently.  They may conclude that the other person did nothing wrong.  But if they see a legitimate offense, the two or three witnesses become partners in working toward reconciliation. 

And if that fails, we are to reach out to the church to help us be reconciled to the one who hurt us.  Basically, we are to do whatever it takes…

At the same time, we must not forget that we need the forgiveness of other people just as much as other people need it from us.  We must always welcome our accusers.  And it’s never easy to admit that we are wrong—especially when we did not set out to hurt them in the first place.  We must swallow our pride and ask forgiveness—even when we don’t believe we need to.  And we must forgive our offenders even while we’re still hurting from the things they did to us. 

There must be a place for reconciliation in our relationships with one another because we are a people who have been reconciled to God through Jesus Christ.  We are beloved children of God because Jesus made that all possible by laying down his life.  So when you come together with your adversary and work together for reconciliation, Christ is present with you.  Reconciliation is a gateway through which both persons can come into the presence of Christ and experience in real life what it means to be reconciled to God.  Reconciliation is a ministry.  It’s evangelism.  When you, as a Christian, say to someone “I forgive you,” you are speaking the very words of Jesus Christ.  When someone says to you “I forgive you,” you shall experience the power of God’s forgiveness.  In other words, you will experience the weight of your sin being lifted off your shoulders.  Whenever there is reconciliation and forgiveness, Christ is part of that relationship. 

I wish it were as easy to reconcile broken relationships as it is for me to speak these words.  It’s really hard to tell someone they hurt us.  Very often, the people who hurt us will insist they did nothing wrong and tell us that we’re at fault.  Often times it’s easier to carry the hurt rather than risk being made a fool.  Sometimes, our hurts cut so deep that we risk reopening our wounds by attempting reconciliation.  Sometimes we try everything possible to mend a broken relationship and nothing works.  And sometimes there are relationships that must be ended, particularly where there is abuse—and there are no signs that the abuser is going to change.  Human relationships are complicated.  That’s why Jesus tells us to involve others—because others can help us to see the situation clearly.  And Jesus reminds us that reconciliation will not always be possible.  But whatever the case, we must, at the absolute minimum, pray for the ones who hurt us—and forgive.  Our prayer must always be for that person to see the error of their ways and repent of their wrongdoing.  

Among God’s greatest gifts are the people God has placed in our lives—our families, our friends, our neighbors, and our sisters and brothers in Christ.  We need each other to make it through life.  We need each other to keep the faith.  Relationships take work—but they’re worth it, because you cannot know Jesus Christ without knowing his people.  So we learn to forgive.  We learn to love one another in spite of our faults.  And when we do that; we will discover a little piece of heaven on earth.  Reconciliation is the work of Jesus Christ.  Jesus is there to help us make it happen.  And amazing things will happen because Jesus is with you.